9 Subtle Ways You May Be Bullying Your Children Without Realizing It

I'm thankful that bullying has become a prominent topic in the media and that parents are urging school officials, teachers, and social media platforms to enhance protection for kids against peer cruelty. As a mother of two, I resonate with the widespread outrage surrounding this issue and, like many others, sometimes blame the parents of bullies, especially those who themselves exhibit bullying behavior. Indeed, adults can be bullies too. You know the kind — those grown-ups you encounter who behave and speak harshly not only to their children but also to their partners:

Here are nine ways you might be bullying your children without even realizing it:

1. You criticize their actions

"What were you thinking?" or "That was a ridiculous thing to do!"

2. You use name-calling

"What an airhead!" or "Why are you always such an idiot?"

3. You act as if you are superior

"If you'd just listened to me in the first place..."

4. You give orders

"Don't you dare say another word!" or "Why don't you say something? You should stand up to your boss!"

5. You belittle them

"How could you not know how to do that?"

6. You threaten

"You say that one more time and I'm out of here."

7. You manipulate

"If you just did what I asked, I wouldn't have to nag you about it."

8. You withhold affection or resources

"If you were kinder to me, maybe we'd be intimate more." or "I'm not giving you another dime until you get your spending under control."

9. You judge and gossip

"My husband's so insensitive. You know how men are." "Them," "those parents," the ones over there, across the field, or living in another town, country, or school district — these are the parents whose children become bullies.

But if we are truly honest with ourselves, under the influence of fear, frustration, powerlessness, exhaustion, or shame, any of us — myself included — can bully our spouses and children, sometimes briefly, unconsciously, and hopefully unintentionally. Not convinced? Thinking, "Sure, I might be bossy sometimes, but I'm no bully!"? Fine. Substitute the word "bossiness" wherever "bullying" appears in this post. Seriously: My advice applies equally to those who are bossy as to those who bully.

One courageous and refreshingly honest mother, Rachel Macy Stafford, shared a piece on Huffington Post about how she bullied her daughter. How did she bully her? By holding very high expectations and punishing her — often with harsh words or an angry tone — when she failed to meet those expectations, made mistakes, or disrupted her schedule and responsibilities. As Stafford openly and compassionately confesses: "I bully myself. And when I bully myself, it makes me unhappy and then I treat others badly."

Stafford’s insight resonates with many of us, whether or not we have children. Our relationship with ourselves — particularly our harmful habits like self-criticism, judgment, or lack of self-trust — not only influences but often shapes our relationships with others. To put it simply: If we bully ourselves, we are likely to bully those we love, such as our spouses and children. Since we sometimes inadvertently model bullying for our kids, how can we adjust our attitudes to prevent them from bullying others or remaining silent if they are bullied?

Here are four recommendations to break the bullying cycle within our families:

1. Improve your relationship with your inner critic

Unlike with our spouses, we cannot divorce our inner critics or evict them. However, we can work on improving our relationship with them.

2. Avoid "shoulding" on yourself

Exactly. Remove the word "should" from your internal dialogue. Instead, decide whether you "want," "prefer," or "believe it’s best" to do or say something. Often, when we "should" on ourselves, we act as our own bullies, issuing commands based on fear or judgment. Then, treat others as you have started treating yourself:

3. Don’t "should" on others

When I encourage clients to notice their "shoulds," nine times out of ten they use these to nag or criticize others. "Shoulding" may sound harmless — "You really should get a haircut" — but it carries judgment, making it far from innocent!

4. Stop phrasing requests as demands

As a mom, I often disguise demands as requests more than I care to admit. Did I mean to ask, "Are you going to finish what's on your plate?" No! What I meant was, "Finish what's on your plate!" When you gently request something from your children or partner, they have the option to respond with yes, no, maybe, or "I'll think about it." The key is: If it’s a request, you won’t become upset, impatient, or punish them if you don’t get the response you want. If you find yourself feeling resentful, you were making a demand — so acknowledge it and move forward.

As parents, we strive to teach our children many lessons — and beyond stopping bullying, one of the most vital lessons is to accept that no one is perfect. So if you’ve felt ashamed realizing you might sometimes be a bit of a bully, don’t be too hard on yourself (after all, that would only make you more of a self-bully!). Instead, take a sincere and thoughtful look at the behaviors you want to improve and embrace the journey of change, knowing you are modeling healthy, positive transformation for your family. And if you, your spouse, or both of you together need some assistance becoming the role models you aspire to be, seek support from a life coach, counselor, pastor, or another trusted advisor who can help you change patterns with love and compassion.