Older Adults Share the Surprising 'Secrets' About Marriage That Often Go Unspoken

Buzzfeed published posts where older adults disclosed common misunderstandings about marriage that more people should be aware of. In the comment sections, additional readers contributed myths, secrets, and lessons about marriage that are rarely discussed openly. Below are the revealing insights:

1. "Accept the difficulties. My husband and I have endured tremendous hardships. The one factor that kept us united was our dedication to each other. Every time we conquered a challenge together, it strengthened our marriage tenfold."

"We've been married for 37 years and raised children. We're now nearly homeless and feel like teenagers again. I can’t bear being apart from him. When I come home from work and see him, I’m amazed at how fortunate I am."

2. "The idea that having children will bring you closer is a misconception. Kids demand constant time and attention around the clock! If you don't make it a priority to spend quality time alone together on dates and vacations without your children, you risk losing the connection that initially bonded you."

"We have been together for 32 years, and only a few times have we had a vacation just the two of us. Also, caring for children is not solely the mother’s or wife’s responsibility; it’s a shared duty. They belong to both of you."

3. "It’s vital to understand that expectations will be fulfilled and disappointed — sometimes within the same day. The small things don’t matter much, and regarding the big issues, never expect your spouse to read your mind because they won’t. Address the problem openly and work together to resolve it. The biggest myth is that marriage is a fairy tale ending. It’s something that evolves and can endure forever; however, tears from both partners are inevitable."

"I married young. My husband enlisted in the army near the end of the Vietnam War to support us. He retired as an Army Infantry Officer, and we have a wonderful family with children and grandchildren."

4. "Live and operate as a team. Enjoy whatever happiness and pleasure come your way. Don’t overanalyze things. And avoid unrealistic expectations."

5. "It’s a myth that a romantic proposal guarantees a long, joyful marriage. I once asked my mother how my father proposed, and she said, ‘He never proposed!’ Then she explained they dated for a while, discussed their futures, their expectations from marriage, and mutually agreed to marry."

"It’s not a romantic story, but it’s exactly what my wife and I did when we decided to marry. We’ve been together for 20 years and are the happiest couple I know."

6. "The notion that being old enough equals readiness is nonsense! If you want a relationship, marriage, or sex just because you and your ideal partner are adults, without considering whether either of you truly wants to commit and handle the consequences, you’re mistaken. I’ve witnessed too many short-lived relationships and marriages because of this."

"I’ve been on the receiving end of this when I knew I wasn’t ready or simply didn’t want to be."

7. "A successful marriage experiences highs and lows. Anyone claiming they never have ups and downs isn’t being honest. Challenges can be managed if both spouses remain open-minded. Rarely is one partner fully to blame for all issues."

"Communicate because if it’s worth saving, you’ll both leave the past behind."

8. "Stop falling in love with someone’s potential. Just because they have it doesn’t mean they want to use it. If you believe they will change, you’re already in trouble."

9. "Many believe that once children arrive, life revolves around them at the expense of the couple. Remember: children grow up and leave home eventually, but your spouse remains if you balance everyone’s needs."

"I’ve been married over 50 years and have an adult child who’s been happily married for more than 20 years, by the way."

10. "‘Don’t go to sleep angry’ is nonsense. Go to sleep, and when you wake up, you’ll likely see the problem more clearly, be able to discuss it more honestly, and show your partner more grace. Arguing when exhausted and emotional only leads to disaster and resentment."

11. "‘Till death do you part.’ After a 30-year relationship (26 years married), I realized our marriage was dead. There was no intimacy, no respect, no joy, and I felt my wife didn’t know or care about me; she couldn’t even say she found me remotely attractive. We took each other and our marriage for granted. I wanted to grow, but she resisted change and didn’t support me."

"She was ready to retire and grow old together, while I wanted to explore and evolve as an individual. It took six years, therapy, and support from true friends to rediscover myself. I realized my marriage drained my soul, and now I’m reborn in an amazing relationship filled with respect, care, open communication, laughter, desire to create memories, and yes, intimacy."

12. "Depending on who you are and your desires, sex can be very important. In my experience, walking away from it can cause not only loss of physical intimacy but also other forms of closeness and togetherness. Even if it doesn’t lead to infidelity, it might cause you and your partner to seek other ways to fill the void, potentially drifting apart."

13. "We come from different countries and cultures, which made being together under immigration terms challenging. We discovered that despite our differences, love means wanting the other person’s happiness and making things work. Love is an action you perform for each other. You give 110%, not just 50/50, to be together!"

"Moreover, we both enjoy 220% instead of 100%, despite being from different worlds. We’ve been in love for over five years with no end in sight!"

14. "After two marriages and divorces — a ‘starter’ marriage in my 20s lasting less than four years and a 14-year marriage that gave me two wonderful sons, now young men — my advice is: if you want your marriage to last, act like you’re divorced. What does that mean?"

"1) Encourage and support each other in unapologetic ‘me’ time.

2) If we’re willing to work hard to be our best to attract a new partner, why not do it to keep attracting the one we have?

3) Each partner must share childcare duties. Draft a relationship contract to agree and hold each other accountable.

4) Communicate. Be curious. Ask questions. Listen. Be vocal about your needs and desires."

15. "PICK YOUR BATTLES. One of my pet peeves is that my husband leaves cabinets open. I’ve asked him to remember to close them, but he sometimes forgets. It’s not harmful to our family, so I just close them. I know others who have had full arguments over similar minor things. Not everything warrants a fight."

"I also annoy him sometimes. Pick your battles; not everything is worth fighting over."

16. "Showing affection remains as important as when we first started dating. Two kids and 18 years of marriage later, we still hold hands and grab each other’s butt."

17. "Not every marriage is the same, and comparing is truly the thief of joy. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and regularly spend time apart; my work schedule lets me be away from home and take the kids to visit family while he stays home with the dogs and works."

"Our time apart makes us appreciate the moments we share, and honestly, spending your life with one person can be a long time — it’s healthy to spend time apart!"